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| TUNAT IS TUNA! May 25, 2005 (Article Posted May 29, 2005) – Mitcheypoo
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The Sith’s response to VD’s death was felt immediately. Aboard the battlecruiser Rainbow Starshine, a menacing enemy of The Republic waited. Traveling towards the Wraitherprize on an intercept course, Tunat’Muram Cuu Vauax - “Tuna” – prepared for the upcoming fight.
Meanwhile, aboard the Wraitherprize, the guys of T-Bone were getting down and shaking it loose. Halfway through signing along to the YMCA, the Wraitherprize was caught in a tractor beam! Captain Conny grabbed the controls, but it was no use. They were captured!
The ship was boarded. The men fought valiantly. Conny and Tuna squared off, captain to captain. The two went back and forth for almost an hour. In the end, Conny gave way under the massive weight of Tuna, and died. The rest of the men finished Tuna off, and celebrated with a tune from The Bee Gees.
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The next day, Nereas took a transport out to the planet Soe, in order to register T-Bone’s server first kill. The following ensued:
We killed Tunat. We’re the only ones that have. We played kickball with his head. We will, we will, rock you.
-Mitcheypoo.
No Nereases were hurt in the making of this update.
| ARCH MAGUS VANGI DOWN! May 24, 2005 – Mitcheypoo
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Let’s recap: The last time we saw our heroes, they had just saved Jelvan. In appreciation for their valiant efforts, Jelvan presented T-Bone with an ill begotten keepsake: The Ring!
Knowing the danger that comes to anyone who possesses The Ring, Biff-yo-fro quickly boarded the Wraitherprize and returned his men back to Coruscant. However, unbeknownst to our fearless leader, the Sith Lord: Darth Julian Smith Mata Muram the Eighth, Junior was preparing a trap. Darth Julian Smith Mata Muram the Eighth, Junior (who we’ll just call “DJ” from now on) employed the services of his right-hand-man, Darth Arch Magus Vangi Dolorous. “VD”, being a Walarfot (a distant cousin of the Bantha), could very well be the undoing of T-Bone.
As the Wraitherprize descended through the ship-filled airways of Coruscant, Illiam shuddered – feeling a great disturbance in the force. Images of hate, fear, and the impenetrable shroud of The Dark Side flashed through his mind’s eye. As Illiam’s body pulsed with energy, the ship’s haul began to mimic his movements. The Wraitherprize was stuck in a tractor beam.
The cargo bay door hissed and groaned as it hinged downward. A beam of natural light and brown leather became visible. Sabers were activated, blasters fired, and chaos ensued.
Moments later, VD’s men were eradicated. T-Bone surrounded VD, pleading with him to surrender. Blinded by his rage and the intoxication of The Dark Side, VD sprang into a furious primal battle stance…
Ultimately, VD proved no match for the saber skills of T-Bone. His strength and size could not prevent his fall. As the mighty VD impacted the cold metal ground, shock waves were sent out rippling through the force, enraging the Sith Lord.
-Mitcheypoo
| WRAITH IN THE NEWS! (JELVAN DOWN) May 14, 2005 – Mitcheypoo
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After T-Bone’s stupendous defeat of Tanthu, Tanthi, and Tantho, the media went into a crazed frenzy. Wraith was immediately invited to appear on 60 Minutes, At Large – With Geraldo Rivera, Oprah, SNL and the like. Below is Biff-yo-fro’s interview with Bill O’Reilly, taken from the live broadcast yesterday evening immediately following the rescue of Jelvan.
Talking Points Intro: “Good evening and thanks for watching The Factor. Many of you have been following the successes of T-Bone through their march through Anguish. Today, Fox News is independently confirming that Jelvan has been rescued. Now, what does this mean to you, the average Norrathian? Let’s date back eight months and come to terms with why Jelvan was actually kidnapped. The border! Our border situation is totally out of control. Trolls are POURING into this country and no one is there to stop them. They come in, they take over our jobs, they don’t pay taxes, they don’t watch The Factor, and they leave their corpses scattered around in every zone. This has got to stop. With me today is the leader of T-Bone, Lord Biff-yo-fro.”
Biffins: Hello Bill, thanks for having me.
O’Reilly: Good day Lord, what say you on this issue?
Biffins: On the issue of our borders? I'm not quite sure what you mean. I guess border security is important, but we don’t really have any ‘borders’ per se...
O’Reilly: Ah. See folks, what Buffo here is trying to say is: We have no borders. We have no way to enforce our borders; therefore it’s as if they didn’t even exist at all.
Biffins: That’s not even close to what I…
O’Reilly: Now let me ask you this: If I were to come to your house, do you think I could fit into it?
Biffins: What? What the hell are you talking…
O’Reilly: The answer is “NO” Beefo. Don’t beat around this bush. I'm six-foot-eleven, there’s no way in hell I'm going to fit in your stupid assling hut! You know why you live in a hut? Because you’re a worthless, border jumping hobbit! Man I hate hobbits.
Biffins: Don’t you think that’s just a TAD discriminatory?
O’Reilly: ARE YOU CALLING ME A RACIST? I SPONSOR A GNOLL PUP IN QEYNOS HILLS, MISTER!
Biffins: Umm. So about the JELVAN win I was asked to come here and talk about…
O’Reilly: Sorry Baffle. I'm just trying to assert my “tough guy” image before the first commercial break. Anyway, yeah how did you guys win that Jelvan thing?
Biffins: Well, it’s all in the math, Bill. As you can see from this simple equation…
Biffins: It’s just a process of simplification. It’s all straight forward.
O’Reilly: Huh? Sorry, wasn’t paying attention. So, do you know how much plat illegal immigration costs tax payers every year?
Biffins: You’re serious…
O’Reilly: Six hundred million platinum. Do you know what I would do with that type of cash? I wouldn’t be buying no stupid rations and bandages, no sir!
Biffins: You do realize that I have Dark Elf twins waiting for me at The Jade Tiger’s Den, right? As in: I have better things to be doing right now.
O’Reilly: You know what you need, Burrito?
Biffins: Enlighten me.
O’Reilly: You need some Factor Gear for Father’s Day. Check out my online store! We sell Factor cloth caps, and “Boycott Freeport” 10 slot backpacks!
Biffins: Yeah. I'm gone.
O’Reilly: Yeah, get out of my country you damn dirty ape!
Jelvan's Keepsake:
To recap: We’ve been to Anguish five times total. In this short period of time, we’ve successfully beat the first four bosses. Jelvan is a server first. This is no small accomplishment. We are all very proud of our progress, and hope to keep this momentum going throughout the summer.
I would also like to congratulate Einu on her Enchanter 2.0, and Quesci and Zarnaha on their Wizard 2.0s.
And, lastly, I would like to formally welcome and greet all of our new RN neighbors. Welcome to Quellious!
-Mitcheypoo
P.S. It’s a good thing Anguish is instanced. Otherwise, we’d be the only ones spanking it for an entire year!
| ANGUISH AIN’T SO HARD May 5, 2005 – Mitcheypoo |
Anguish ain’t so hard….
With the lands of Mordor at their feet, with the skies ablaze, with the rivers running crimson amid the slain, and with the key to the lands of Anguish in their possession, T-bone marched on forthwith beyond the gates that bind flesh with wound. They stepped into the land of chaos and devastation, leaving all rational and cognitive thought behind.
Kneeling down, Biff-yo-fro held the grains of this new land in his fist. He clenched his grip tightly, and the helpless sand fell to his feet. Without speaking a single word, his actions ordered the men forward.
T-bone pushed through, slaughtering the orc legions that infested the shore. Entering through a gothic style building, T-bone stumbled across a genetic experiment gone horribly wrong. The Sith Lord worked in conjunction with The Machines to alter the DNA of a rancor, and spliced it with a common house cat. Agent Smith fell in love with the horrific beast, and took him under his arm, naming him Ture. Years later, Agent Smith lost interest in his once beloved companion, and thus, Ture was left to rot in The Asylum.
T-bone knew that such a beast could not be left unslain, but this fight would not be easily won. Biff-yo-fro quickly contacted Captian Conen of the starship Wraitherprize (which Bruze lost in a bet 2 updates ago… but since then, T-bone was able to steal it back from the Breen debt collectors… which is truly convenient for the purpose of this update). Captian Conny… err… Conen… agreed to help, and proposed that Ture be eradicated through the use of the ship’s transporter!
And so it was. Ture was killed by being materialized into a huge chunk of wall stuff, and got dead real fast because of them there eighth law of dermal dynamics!
After the hugely successful Ture kill, T-bone proceeded on to engage Hanvar. Now, unbeknownst to the raid force at the time, Hanvar has a *magical* ability to make you drunk (*cough* Rohypnol *cough*). Being drunk (or drugged…) is highly detrimental to your ability to raid. Observe:
It’s an orc legionnaire… I swear to god! They totally have orcs in Anguish!
SO ANYWAY… T-bone knew they needed to get their cocaine… err… alcohol tolerance maxed, and fast! Now, if you’ve ever taken a high school health class, then you should damn well know the best way to get your alcohol tolerance maxed, is to drink until your heart stops and repeatedly die making gnarly swirls!
Hanvar died easily to the black-livered strength of T-bone. Unfortunately, during the fight, the embedded photographer was too busy playing his PSP to notice the kill, and thus, failed to take any kill-shot pictures. The following is an extremely accurate reenactment of the kill.
The next stop on the way to Mount Doom (remember, that’s where we’re headed, for uh… FROTO!) was some ice dude named Keldovan the Harrier. T-bone walked up to Keldovan with caution, displaying a bright red flag with spikes and skulls on it – yaknow, the international sign of peace. Quesci kindly asked Mr. Keldovan if he could direct us towards The Oracle, so Biff-yo-fro could get some prophetic cookies. Keldovan must have completely misunderstood the question, and slaughtered T-bone within seconds.
The end.
What? I have to continue the story? I can't just end it there? Well… I don’t wanna write anymore, so there! Huh? You’re going to stop feeding me? That’s not cool! You can't do that! Can you? FINE!
Uh… Ok. Let’s see. Ok, so T-bone had Garmok seduce Keldovan (“Kelly”) with pant-less naughty dancing. The mesmerizing effect of pink Ogre boxers swirling around in an off-rhythm motion was too much for Kelly to handle. While Garmok butt was keeping Kelly busy, T-bone snuck in Kwame, Wheeler, Linka, Gi, Ma-Ti and Suchi to combine their powers and create CAPTAIN PLANET! One blue dude versus another in a grand fight to the death. Of course Captain Planet and his uber mullet powers totally overwhelmed Kelly. Another victory for T-bone!
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Spanking three mobs in Anguish in the first three days of ever being in the zone is no small task. Hopefully, we’ll keep up this momentum and push through the entire zone sometime in the not-so-distant future.
-Mitcheypoo
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